5 Ways to Help Siblings Build Stronger Bonds

The relationship between siblings is unique. It starts early and often lasts longer than any other bond in life. Brothers and sisters share genes, family history, and countless everyday moments. Yet many parents watch helplessly as their children argue over toys, compete for attention, or simply ignore each other.

Parents are not bystanders in this. How you handle the squabbles, the comparisons and the shared bedroom shapes what these two children become to each other. Most of what follows is judgment. One of the five — teaching them to settle their own arguments — has been through randomized trials twice, and that section says so.

The five moves, one line each: Give them enjoyable things to do together. Treat each child as an individual instead of treating everyone identically. Mediate conflicts instead of settling them. Build a team identity. Protect each child's space and belongings.

Why Sibling Relationships Matter More Than You Think

Most children spend more time interacting with their siblings than with their parents — about ten hours a week together, in constructive and unstructured activity alike, by one estimate in New Directions for Child and Adolescent Development. The Encyclopedia on Early Childhood Development calls that relationship “a natural laboratory for young children to learn about their world.”

That review is specific about what gets learned there. Siblings “play a key role in the development of children's understanding of others' minds, namely their understanding of emotions, thoughts, intentions, and beliefs.” That understanding surfaces in ordinary play — in imitation and teasing, in pretend games, in the argument over whose turn it is, and in one child patiently explaining something to the other.

Warm sibling ties also buffer against later trouble, and the buffering comes with a condition attached. Stormshak and colleagues conclude that positive sibling relationships in the context of a supportive family environment can reduce the risk of later depression and enhance social competence with peers. That last clause is part of the finding, not a footnote: children do not build these bonds unaided while the household around them frays.

The positive benefits of establishing warm and positive sibling relationships may last a lifetime, whereas more difficult early relationships may be associated with problematic developmental outcomes.

— Howe, Recchia and Kinsley, Encyclopedia on Early Childhood Development (2023)

The teaching runs both ways. An older child who explains something has to take the younger one's knowledge and understanding into account, which is perspective-taking in practice rather than in theory. Meanwhile the younger one imitates that language and those actions during play, which the encyclopedia links to precocious development for second-borns in certain areas.

1. Create Opportunities for Shared Positive Experiences

Sharing, helping, reading the other person's mood: siblings rehearse all of it on each other, but only while the playing is going well. Your job is mostly to make sure the playing keeps happening.

Activity Ideas: Building projects, cooking simple recipes, outdoor adventures, art projects, or family game nights all create positive shared memories that strengthen bonds.

Start with activities that match both children's interests and abilities. A five-year-old and a toddler build block towers together. Older children take on a science experiment or a garden bed. The activity matters less than the positive interaction it creates.

Make It Routine

Schedule regular sibling time into your week — a Saturday morning craft session, a nightly board game, whatever survives contact with your actual schedule. Consistency is what teaches children to expect and value time with a sibling.

Let children plan activities together sometimes. When kids choose what to do, they invest more in making it successful. Guide them toward activities where both can participate meaningfully.

Age Gap	Activity Ideas	Tips for Success
0-2 years	Similar toys, parallel play, simple games	Focus on turn-taking and sharing practice
2-4 years	Cooperative building, art projects, outdoor play	Older child can help or teach younger one
4+ years	Board games, sports, creative projects	Modify rules so both can contribute

Need fresh ideas for sibling activities? Our Activity Generator offers age-appropriate suggestions that work well for multiple children.

2. Treat Each Child as an Individual

Fairness does not mean sameness. Each child arrives with a different temperament and a different set of needs. When parents recognize these differences, children feel secure. They compete less because they do not feel compared.

What decides the outcome is not the equality itself but the child's reading of it. When parents vary how much warmth, responsiveness, control and discipline each child receives, the Encyclopedia on Early Childhood Development finds sibling relations turn more conflictual and less friendly — but only if the children view the differences as unfair. Treatment your children see as reasonable does not carry the same cost.

What Fair Treatment Looks Like: It means meeting each child's individual needs rather than giving everyone identical treatment. One child might need more help with homework while another needs extra bedtime snuggles.

Avoid Comparisons

Never compare siblings to each other. Statements like “Why can't you be more like your brother?” damage both children. The praised child feels pressure. The criticized child feels resentment toward both parent and sibling.

Instead, acknowledge each child's unique strengths. Celebrate individual achievements without ranking them. Say “You worked so hard on that drawing” rather than “You're better at art than your sister.”

Give Individual Attention

Carve out one-on-one time with each child regularly. Even fifteen minutes of focused attention makes a difference. Let each child choose the activity. This time shows children they matter as individuals, not just as part of a sibling group.

Balancing individual attention with family time takes effort. Creating routines and setting boundaries helps you manage your time effectively while giving each child the attention they need.

3. Teach Conflict Resolution Skills

Sibling conflict is normal, and it is useful. Disagreement is where a child first works out that the other person has a version of events too, and that a deal can be struck between the two. The goal is not to eliminate conflict but to change how it ends.

Mediate, do not settle: Forty-eight families with 5- to 10-year-olds were randomly assigned to mediation training or to intervening as usual. Parents in the mediation group reported that their children compromised more often and controlled the outcomes of their own conflicts more often; observers recorded less negativity in the children's independent negotiations and better knowledge of a sibling's perspective (Smith and Ross, Child Development, 2007).

A second route was tested more recently, and it is not refereeing at all. Kramer's team put 86 mothers through four online lessons that prepared them to teach their 4- to 8-year-olds emotional skills directly; measured against a randomly assigned wait-list group, those mothers reported greater sibling warmth and less rivalry, and the difference held three months later (Family Relations, 2025). One limit is worth naming: the outcomes are what mothers observed, not what independent coders scored.

The Mediation Process

When conflicts arise, try these steps:

Stay calm yourself. Your energy affects theirs. Take a breath before intervening. If you struggle with this, our guide on staying calm during tantrums offers practical techniques.
Separate first if you need to. Some children cannot talk until the heat has gone out of it.
Listen to each child. Let both share their perspective without interruption.
Identify feelings. Help children name their emotions. “You felt angry when she took your toy.”
Brainstorm solutions together. Ask children for ideas and guide them toward compromise — but do not hand down the verdict. Taking a side, showing favoritism or settling the dispute yourself is the one thing mediation is built to avoid.
Follow up. Check if the solution worked. Praise cooperative problem-solving.

When mediation is the wrong tool: Mediation assumes two children with roughly equal power. The Sibling Aggression and Abuse Research and Advocacy Initiative at the University of New Hampshire is blunt about the exception: where aggression is part of a persistent pattern of harm accompanied by a power imbalance between siblings, mediation “will not work, and could make things worse.” Stop mediating and get a professional involved — a mental health or medical clinician, not another house rule. And in any conflict that turns physical, step in first and work out the disagreement afterwards.

Younger children need more guidance. Model the words they can use. “Tell your brother, 'I'm playing with this now. You can have it when I'm done.'” Older children can work through more steps independently. If you have toddlers, our guide on managing toddler tantrums offers additional strategies for handling big emotions.

The conflict resolution skills children learn with siblings transfer to other relationships. They use these same strategies with friends, classmates, and eventually coworkers and partners.

4. Build Team Identity

Help your children see themselves as teammates, not competitors. Create a family culture where siblings support each other and celebrate shared successes.

Children who see themselves as a team behave like one. It is a small shift, mostly linguistic, but it changes who the sibling is in the story: an ally in a shared project rather than a rival for the same scarce thing.

Use “We” Language

Frame activities and goals in team terms. Say “We need to clean up the playroom” instead of “You two clean up.” Talk about “our family” achievements. This subtle shift builds connection.

Create family traditions that siblings share. Maybe you have a special Saturday breakfast routine or an annual summer campout. These shared experiences become part of their joint identity.

Encourage Helping Each Other

Notice and praise when siblings help each other. “I saw you help your brother tie his shoes. That was kind.” Make helpfulness a family value rather than an obligation.

Assign age-appropriate team tasks. An older sibling reads to a younger one. A younger child folds the laundry their sibling has sorted. What the task is hardly matters. What matters is that it only finishes if both of them show up.

Sibling Appreciation: At dinner, have each family member share something they appreciated about a sibling that day. This simple practice shifts focus toward positive interactions.

Be careful not to burden older siblings with too much responsibility for younger ones. Some helping is healthy. Too much creates resentment. Balance is key.

5. Create Space for Individual Boundaries

Strong bonds require respect for personal space and belongings. Children who feel their boundaries are protected have less reason to fight. They can connect from a place of security.

Physical Space

Even in shared rooms, each child needs some space that is truly theirs: a shelf, a drawer, one corner. Label personal items clearly. Teach children to ask before using siblings' belongings.

Create “quiet zones” for retreat when a child is overwhelmed. Siblings need breaks from each other, which is normal and healthy. Honor that without judgment.

Emotional Boundaries

Teach children that they do not have to share everything. Some toys can be personal property. Some stories can stay private. Respecting these boundaries teaches mutual respect.

Sharing Strategy: Try scheduled sharing with a timer. A turn that is already guaranteed does not have to be fought for, which takes the negotiation out of the moment — and the moment is usually where it goes wrong.

Help children communicate boundaries kindly. “I need some alone time right now” is healthier than slamming doors. Model respectful boundary-setting in your own relationships.

Using positive discipline approaches helps children learn to respect boundaries while maintaining warmth. Consistent, kind boundary-setting teaches mutual respect that strengthens sibling relationships over time.

What About Age Differences?

Large age gaps create unique dynamics. Older siblings may view younger ones as annoyances rather than playmates. Younger children might idolize or compete with older siblings.

With bigger gaps, focus on:

Finding common ground. What interests do they share? Build on these.
Creating teaching moments. Let the older one show the younger one something they are genuinely good at.
Adjusting expectations. A teenager does not play the way a seven-year-old plays, and asking for it produces resentment rather than closeness.
Maintaining one-on-one time. Each child needs individual parent attention.

Close age gaps bring their own challenges. Children with similar developmental stages compete more directly for resources and attention. With close gaps, emphasize unique identities and individual recognition.

When Sibling Conflict Becomes Concerning

Normal sibling conflict looks different from sibling aggression. Tucker, Whitworth and Finkelhor, writing for the University of New Hampshire's sibling aggression initiative, put the aggressive end in concrete terms: kicking, punching, threatening a sibling, or purposefully destroying their personal items. What separates that from an ordinary bad afternoon is not the single incident but a persistent pattern of harm accompanied by a power imbalance between siblings.

Red Flags: The clearest signal the initiative names is a child who avoids being home and alone with their sibling. Alongside it: physical injury, threats, belongings destroyed on purpose, and one child who is always the one on the receiving end. Where one child holds the power and the harm keeps repeating, this stops being conflict to referee.

Occasional fighting is normal. Persistent patterns of cruelty, fear, or victimization are not. If you see these patterns, consider consulting a family therapist who specializes in sibling relationships.

Building Bonds Takes Time

Sibling relationships evolve throughout childhood and beyond. Children who fought constantly at ages four and six might become close friends as teenagers. Others may grow apart during adolescence and reconnect as adults.

Your job is to create conditions for positive relationships. Plant seeds through shared experiences, fair treatment, and conflict resolution skills. That is what an evidence-based approach to parenting looks like in practice: connection at the center, and the results left to arrive on their own schedule rather than yours.

Some days will be easier than others. Some phases will bring more conflict. This is normal. Keep investing in the strategies that work and adjusting those that do not. If your family is welcoming a new baby, our guide on helping older siblings adjust to a new baby covers that specific transition in depth.

Key Takeaways

The sibling relationship is where social understanding gets practiced. Reading another person's emotions, thoughts and intentions is learned in play, teasing and arguments with a brother or sister.
Shared positive experiences build bonds. Regular enjoyable activities together create memories and strengthen connections.
Fair treatment means meeting individual needs. Avoid comparisons. Recognize each child's unique strengths and requirements.
Conflict resolution can be taught. In a randomized trial, children whose parents were trained to mediate compromised more often and settled more of their own disputes.
Team identity reduces competition. Help siblings see themselves as allies rather than rivals.
Boundaries support connection. When children feel their personal space and belongings are respected, they connect more willingly.

Medical Disclaimer: This article is for informational purposes only and does not constitute medical or mental health advice. Everyday sibling conflict is normal; one child being repeatedly harmed by a stronger sibling is not, and that situation calls for a clinician rather than a family meeting. If you believe a child is being abused, the Childhelp National Child Abuse Hotline is staffed 24/7 at 800.422.4453.

Frequently Asked Questions

How much sibling conflict is normal?

More than most parents expect. Observational studies have shown that sibling conflict may happen up to eight times an hour, according to Penn State's Edna Bennett Pierce Prevention Research Center, with early and middle childhood the hardest stretch before rates level off in adolescence. Frequency is the wrong thing to measure anyway. What counts is whether conflicts end and the children go back to playing. Persistent patterns of one child always dominating or victimizing another require attention.

Should I make my children share everything?

No. Children need some personal belongings that are truly theirs. Forced sharing can increase resentment and conflict. Asking first, and a workable system for taking turns with the things that really are shared, does more. Some personal property that does not need to be shared actually reduces overall conflict.

My children are very different. How can they bond?

Focus on finding any common ground, even small things. Maybe both enjoy music, being outdoors, or cooking. Start there. Also, differences can complement each other. One child might love planning while another excels at doing. Use their differences to create collaborative projects where both contribute their strengths.

What if one child seems to bully the other?

Patterns of consistent intimidation, physical aggression, or deliberate cruelty need immediate attention. This goes beyond normal sibling conflict. Separate the children, address the behavior directly, and consider consulting a family therapist. The aggressor may be dealing with underlying issues that need professional support.

Looking for activities that work for multiple children? Try our Activity Generator for age-appropriate ideas the whole family can enjoy together.